“I Didn’t Know What To Call It”

Who will care for the caregivers? For the folks on the frontline who witness the impact that chronic exposure to violence has on the lives of those whom we serve? This is the question posed by the Philadelphia documentary, Portraits of Professional Caregivers: Their Passion, Their Pain, created by Vic Compher, Rodney Whittenberg and Tim Fryett. They use a combination of interviews with child welfare workers, therapists, firemen, police and others interspersed with commentary by experts in the field to demonstrate the concepts of secondary or vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue…along with compassion satisfaction.

UrbanPromise has a long-standing practice of holding all-staff meetings the first Friday afternoon of every month. Schools close early and staff from every department: after-school programs, schools, experiential learning, interns, international Fellows, food services, development team, and administration…gather to form community and remind ourselves why we do what we do. This past Friday I was invited to share this documentary, courtesy of the Camden Healing10 collaboration, in lieu of our usual format.

Frankly I wasn’t sure at all how this heavy (one staff member called it “brutal”) documentary would play with our staff.  While I believe it’s important for every community member at UrbanPromise to be trauma-sensitive, not everyone is on the front line. And our after-school program staff are struggling right now with several personal losses – was it fair to expose them to even more sadness? I knew the documentary ended on a bright, hopeful note but boy, those first forty-five minutes are intense.

I prefaced the film by inviting people to care for themselves as they needed to while watching it, then sat down. You didn’t want to feel my shoulders while we were watching. And yet watch we did, then broke out by department to debrief with questions that I gave each of the directors. When we came back together, each group shared insights, which included the need to watch out for each other and to speak up when we see a colleague struggling. A few thanked me personally for giving them new language for personal experience. And I thought that was the end of it. Until the following Wednesday afternoon.

“Becky, I have to thank you for that film last Friday,” Chef Shawn said as he greeted me on the back porch of the Peace House. Chef Shawn is leading our new catering enterprise, UrbanChefs. He is a phenomenal cook, is gregarious and funny, and is also teaching our newest cooking class for after-school kids. “I have to tell you; I have been praying for a sign on whether or not this job is right for me. Watching that film gave me my answer. You see, in my last job I prided myself on the fact that I trained 650 culinary students at Respond! But 37 of them have died. I have pictures of every one of them. And four more are now in prison for life. They all did so well when they were with me…I didn’t know what to call what I was feeling about losing them. But now I know that it is secondary trauma.  I carry them with me.”  I didn’t have words at first to respond to this, so moved was I, and honored by his sharing. I thanked him, and he thanked me again, this time for the opportunity to teach the cooking class. “That’s the other sign that I received last week – I love to teach and I haven’t had the chance since I started this job!” he said with a smile.

I had ended the all-staff meeting with a quote from Sister Helen Cole, a saint who works in Camden with families who have lost someone to homicide. When I asked her how she managed not to burn out, she answered, “Align yourself with goodness! Good food, good music, good people, good wine!” This cooking class was goodness for Chef Shawn. And I experienced a great deal of compassion satisfaction – and humility – as a conduit for God’s message to him.

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Parenting’s troubled history: Why changing family patterns is our most important work — ACEs Too High

As we learned from the CDC-Kaiser Permanente ACE Study, negative childhood experiences are often kept secret, downplayed, or repressed because of our powerful desire to put such things behind us. Unfortunately, our minds and our brains don’t work that way. Patterns can play out automatically, no matter how hard we try to be original and […]

via Parenting’s troubled history: Why changing family patterns is our most important work — ACEs Too High

Trauma-Informed Transformation

I was just going to breeze in and out of CamdenForward School, our elementary grades at UrbanPromise, to fax something and grab my paycheck. Then the plan was to bury myself again in my mile long ‘to-do’ list, the weight of which was interrupting my sleep with increasing frequency. But the fax machine is in the main office…and the main office has a picture window…and as I pressed buttons I heard, “Oh there’s Mrs. Becky! Maybe she can talk with Josiah.” Despite my boundary setting intentions I asked what was up: Josiah, who is usually quiet, was having a no good, very bad day. His concerned teacher said he had been irritable and out of sorts all morning, and when one of his classmates teased him, he lost it, saying angry things and hiding in a corner. Josiah stood next to her crying, upset at the thought of us calling his mom. Despite assurances that he wasn’t in trouble, his anger ratcheted up again after a conversation with her, he began pacing and muttering under his breath and it was evident that rational, soothing words were not having their desired effect. “Josiah, want to go outside and walk around the playground? We do not have to talk. Let’s just walk.” Big brown eyes caught mine and he nodded. Out we went, his steps quickly outdistancing mine as he began to circle the playground. “You all say ‘everything will be all right’ but it won’t. I’m in trouble I know it.  You think I’m crazy right? But I’m not crazy and it’s not fair.” Round and round he went, with me in the middle staying just close enough to grab him if he darted. I didn’t say much other than to affirm his venting. I was just beginning to wonder if I was nuts or if this trauma-informed approach would work when he stopped, looked at me and said, “Mrs. B you’re nice. Do you want to go on the see-saw with me?” “Why I’d love to, Josiah!” Up and down we went, he astutely (ahem) noting that I weigh a lot more than he…and having a good talk about stress. I asked a few careful questions, not wanting to trigger him again, but it was increasingly clear that he had exited his emotional brain for his rational one. He stopped the see-saw, cracked a smile and said, “it’s a beautiful day out here isn’t it? Perfect weather.” God bless this kid. After a few more minutes we came up with a plan on how to handle any more stressful moments in class that day…he would “pause on his paws”, that is feel his hands and feet, squeeze them tight and relax them, then take a deep breath to stay in control. He liked that. He was able to return to class and was calm the rest of the day.


After school we walked to meet his mom, and unsolicited he expressed deep gratitude for my kindness. “I know now that if I hold my emotions in they are going to make me sick. It’s good to let them out.” Such wisdom from the mouth of a babe! I told him how intelligent and wise he was, and that it was an honor to spend time with him.


This all could have gone so differently. In the not too distant past when a student lost control in class he or she would be punished or suspended, beginning a vicious cycle of defiance against classroom expectation. But when a child is stuck in the emotional brain, he or she is not in control and it’s up to us to help them get to the rational brain – by physically moving, by practicing a mindful meditation, by prayer. Josiah ended the day knowing that he is loved by his family and school, that it is healthy to feel emotions, not shameful (something else he shared) and that he can learn to express himself in a way that won’t feel out of control. What potential lays in learning this in elementary school! Feels hopeful, doesn’t it?

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UrbanPromise All Camp Day, 2016

Having Fun While Reducing the Risk of Obesity

“That food tastes nasty! I’m not touching it Ms. Becky.”“One more time and your whole class will lose recess!”
“I just can’t get the kids’ attention. They are so restless…”

Until recently it was not uncommon to hear these things said during school days here at UrbanPromise. Our cafeteria staff was trying its best to meet USDA standards with prepackaged foods; staff were frustrated with the high energy levels of our kids and their seeming inability to focus (through my lens a result of living in this toxically stressed city). And then there are the abysmal statistics around obesity in areas of concentrated poverty: 40% of children in Camden are overweight and obese, and their food behaviors include not enough veggies and way too much fast food and sugar.

What’s a prevention-minded nurse practitioner to do??? Attack from all angles, that’s what! And thankfully, with funding from The Horizon Foundation for New Jersey, we’ve been able to do just that this year.

In the kitchen/cafeteria, our awesome dietician, Judy Lazo, has created a monthly menu of scratch-cooked meals, along with a cookbook with recipes for 150 servings (!). She leads taste tests and entree naming contests to engage our students and increase buy-in. Earlier this month the recipe being tested was a sweet potato bake, since the kids didn’t like the sweet potato tots…the winning name was Sweet Potato Crunch, and the kids gave it many thumbs up! It will now be a regular on the menu. Judy is also teaching nutrition in our classrooms.

Meanwhile our Rowan intern, D’Andre Miller, is incorporating movement into the lunch periods – by using fun videos from websites such as Go Noodle and JAM. This is helping on a number of fronts – the students are a bit rowdy coming into the lunchroom after being in class all morning, so five minutes of movement helps them to release energy, which in turns helps with behavior. Clapping is now used to get students’ attention instead of a whistle, which helps with the calm, and if a student doesn’t participate in moving – instead of being reprimanded we use a trauma-informed approach to find out what’s wrong, and then lift up and encourage them. Recess follows lunch, and staff now understand it can’t be taken away – these kids need to move!

Continuing on the movement front – we are trying to increase movement throughout the day to boost metabolism, since sedentary lifestyles greatly increase the risk of obesity, heart disease and diabetes. This is where experienced educator and volunteer Kate Hilgen comes in. Our school staff received training at the beginning of the year on the importance of integrating movement into teaching strategies, but that is easier said than done, especially for new teachers. Kate is quietly observing in classrooms, brainstorming with our teachers, and helping new teachers learn from experienced teachers. The result is our kids are moving more frequently. “Stand up if you think you have the right answer!” I overheard the other day, and it warmed my heart!

Cooking classes are continuing through My Daughter’s Kitchen/Vetri Foundation. The garden will get going soon and students will grow veggies and cook with them. At the food co-op we have taste tests and recipes. Lots of good tasting and moving things going on around here!

Freshman at College

My phone chirps this afternoon – it’s Derjanai texting me: “Mrs Becky, I can say that Coppin’s improving my reading skills. I read more and faster than before I think it’s because of my reading class.” This out of the blue…she’s always thinking. I type back, “Good to hear. I know at some colleges the reading gets totally overwhelming.” We go back and forth a bit then she texts, “At first it was like, ‘why am I here?’ Because it’s 2 hours of class and reading every night. But now it’s kind of ok. I hated reading but now it’s ok.”

It’s time to lift up Derjanai Thomas in celebration of her successful transition into college (with her permission! I checked).

I first met Nai Nai at the beginning of sophomore year at UrbanPromise Academy, our high school. She could NOT sit still. I kind of figured out why when I gave the class a life stressor survey – it listed common stressors for teens and assigned points – the higher your score, the more stressed you were. Anything over 200 was significant and the health book recommended counseling – Nai Nai scored 1250. 1250! She had lost a lot of loved ones that year. I wouldn’t have been able to sit still either…or maybe I would have been sitting too still, frozen in grief.

Nai Nai demonstrated grit, a stick-to-it-ness, throughout her time at UPA. Active in UrbanTrekkers and recognized for her leadership skills, her passion was history, and I recall that moment at the end of junior year when she scored a 100 on a paper that was hard won and well deserved. At the end of senior year, she was accepted to Coppin State University, located in Baltimore, MD. Our dedicated volunteer and fellow First Presby Haddonfield member, Bob Lehman, took her down to tour right after the Baltimore riots this past spring. A historically black university, it seemed a great fit for this resilient young woman. But then there were the details of actually going to college. As the first in her family to go, there was little support and no familiarity with the process.

When we take our kids to college, it is not uncommon to pack up a mini van full, or a small UHaul of all the seeming “necessities” – matching bed linens, towels, wall hangings, clothes, furniture, etc. etc. I knew that Nai Nai did not have access to these niceties – it’s not uncommon for young people growing up in concentrated urban poverty to arrive at college with all their belongings in a garbage bag or 2. Thankfully at my fundraiser this past spring, I was able to introduce Derjanai to Andy Reinicker, who is chairperson of our church Deacons. He took it from there, and the email went out asking for support.

“What’s your favorite color Nai Nai?” Purple
“What do you think you need?” A desk lamp and one of those wall thingy-s (bulletin board)

then later…”Mrs Becky do you think there’s any chance I could get a bean bag chair?” this was after she was at Coppin for the summer program. Andy got a real kick out of this.

The Deacons’ response was overwhelming – I believe almost every member of this serving body of our church donated something. And 3 kind women took her out to lunch (text: “What should I WEAR???” response: “Whatever makes you feel confident”). Nai Nai knows there are people rooting for her, interested in her. There’s a power in that that can’t be measured.

I’m honored that she’s staying in touch. She’s keeping me busy editing her papers. She thinks her classes are too easy (thanks to expectations set at UPA) but I’m relieved she’s keeping up. I can see how she’s adjusting and growing, and how I’m making fewer edits. This gal is going somewhere, and it’s great to be along for the ride.

A Summer’s Day of Wellness

First thing this morning I was listening to Pamela Foxx, our only HR staff who also manages 200 volunteers AND corporate work groups, share her vision of UrbanPromise with 22 eager volunteers from Wegman’s intern program. I was taken with how she described our campus brimming with summer camp activity. And I was moved by the video she showed of our after school programs. And I was honored to describe the work I do…it was a good way to start the day.

10 of the volunteers headed over to the garden with me to pull weeds – lots and lots of weeds. We have nearly lost the battle this summer to these native species – but I am not giving in! As they settled into work, along came a large group of kids from Camp Faith – the intern in charge of them wanted to lead Bible study in the garden that morning. It was a sweet sight as the kids tried to name all they saw growing.

Meanwhile, Wegman volunteer Xavier was putting together the wheelbarrow that Ocean Heights Presbyterian church donated toward our cause. I was so excited to have it assembled finally – it’s been sitting for a few weeks due to vacation and lack of wheelbarrow-building-expertise! I was out by the sunflowers loosening massive clumps of weeds along the fence…when it started the rain. Dumping, drenching rain…which drove us all indoors and gave us all a chance for some meaningful conversation. The best question was from Xavier: “Why are people willing to come here and work for a lot less money?” We spoke of call, and work that has a purpose, that is deeply satisfying. It was a meaningful conversation.

The afternoon brought sun and humidity. The Wegman interns bravely returned to work in the heat, and gave the garden their “all” for another hour or so. Heartfelt thanks to them!

Much to my surprise, a former student appeared on the back porch of the Peace House. I’ve mentored this young woman for 3 years now, but the past year has been rough – she’s made choices I wouldn’t have recommended as she desperately seeks independence from her dysfunctional family at the tender age of 18. She’s thinner than I’d like to see, and liked the idea of “shopping” in our clothes donation closet. Part of me was sad to see her where she is, and yet I am struck by her resilience. She manages to get 2 meals a day and finds safe enough places to sleep. She is determined to continue her education. I let her wash up in our bathroom, packed a bag full of clothes, and left her – with what cash I had to offer – at the McDonalds in the center of Camden. I have hopes that she takes the talk we had this afternoon to heart – she did tell me that “I have never steered her wrong”. I reminded myself that I am called to love and walk alongside these remarkable people, but not to fix their problems.

As I finished loading piles of weeds in my bright yellow wheelbarrow, I was thinking of how far this job is from seeing patients every 15 minutes and writing prescriptions. Of how tomorrow morning I’d be teaching again at Penn, how I doubted the students and faculty envisioned me correctly at work, covered in mud and wielding a pitchfork. And how fulfilling my “job” is…when I heard mumbling. “Hello…mumble mumble…Hello…” – it was Horace! Horace is a local guy from the neighborhood, talks a lot to himself, has become an awesome volunteer at the food co-op. “Hi Horace!” I smiled, “want to take home some vegetables?” He answered in the affirmative so in we went to the kitchen to load him up with beans and lettuce. His wonderful sister, with whom he lives, would likely appreciate it. Horace makes my heart sing, and helped me end my day with a smile. Thanks be to God!


Floating…The Power of Sharing Your ACEs

I met the most amazing woman this morning at the food co-op. She was sitting by herself, enjoying her breakfast, so I sat with her and asked her if she had any plans for the summer. “I don’t really know…I’m floating right now.” That sounds like something I’d say, I thought to myself. “What do you mean by floating?” Well, Kathleen answered looking me straight in the eye, “I recently reconnected with my mother. I hadn’t seen her in 7 years.”
“Wow, that’s great! That must feel so wonderful.” I said, feeling in my heart the mother love I feel from my mom, as well as what I feel for my children.
“Yes…and there’s more. Last week I had a burden lifted that had been weighing on me for 30 years. God has been very active in my life lately.” I asked what had changed that this was happening to her now, and she said that she had rejected God for over 20 years because she was so filled with anger. But lately she had started going to church again, and felt the Holy Spirit guiding her. On Father’s Day her pastor spoke of how some fathers are gone out of your life (Kathleen’s passed away 20 years ago) – and Kathleen began to sob. And when she next met with her mother – last weekend – she felt the Spirit nudge her to finally speak her truth – that as a child she had been abused by her dad. That’s when the burden lifted – when she finally let her mother in to understand the “why” behind her anger, her rejection, her near suicide attempt with pills, and all the lies. Of course her mother was stunned because she had been there the whole time he abused Kathleen, yet was unaware. And Kathleen had never had the wherewithal to speak of it before now.

She’s been glowing from the inside since she spoke. People keep commenting on it. And she feels compelled to share her story, which is why she has graciously given me permission to share it.

From my perspective, aside from feeling blessed to meet this strong woman, all I can think of is – and there you have it! The power of sharing your ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences, www.acestudy.org). There is healing power in sharing your pain – both for yourself and for others. It can set you free, or it can set you on a path toward a more peaceful existence.

“I’m not angry anymore. I am thankful. Not that life doesn’t continue to be a roller coaster,” observed Kathleen. “You know I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a few years ago. I’ve barely been able to get out of my chair. Yet today I walked all the way here – 35 minutes. The Holy Spirit has guided me to Wiggins Park, where I have been putting myself through a kind of boot camp. I feel so much stronger. I am happy.”

You go, girl!

Bon appétit!

“There she is! I see my grandma!” Said Miyah out on the back porch of the Peace House. Inside I heard volunteer Maureen Dodson echo her with a smile on her face. “Want to hear one of my favorite quotes?” I asked Maureen, “There is but one child in all the world and that is all children. ”

It was the last cooking class for our fifth-graders. This program offered by the Vetri Foundation is the brainchild of Philadelphia Inquirer food editor Maureen Fitzgerald, who writes the column My Daughter’s Kitchen (www.philly.com/philly/blogs/my daughter/) every Thursday. For the past eight weeks five of our fifth-graders have learned how to cook a meal each week that will serve six for $20 or less. The recipes are simple and nutritious and it has been a joy to witness the kids growing both in their culinary skills and in their willingness to try new foods.

We were particularly blessed to have chef Amy Falkenstein lead our class. She works for the Vetri Foundation offering food demonstrations in schools throughout the region. I’m amazed that each week she pulled off the miracle of five fifth-graders staying busy for a full two hours wielding knives and hot pans – without any injuries! She is pictured here with four of our students after they cooked a meal for their family members. I can’t wait to see what we’ll cook up this fall when this program will again be offered. Many thanks to Amy and to Maureen and Heather Winkler, our faithful volunteers.

Welcome To Our Healing Community

Meet Trish Trivinia! She started at UrbanPromise one month ago in our newly minted position, mental health clinician…and there is no doubt I now have a partner in crime. She has many years of experience in therapeutic counseling in a variety of settings, and her passion is sharing her love of mindfulness meditation. Faithful readers of my blog will know that embedding mindful practice at UrbanPromise – as a tool to empower youth to cope with their adversities – is a major initiative of mine. Within one short month, Trish has practiced mindfulness (most commonly a body scan) with youth and staff in most of our departments…including with three wiggly 8th grade boys! And in leadership today I listened as Jodina (our ED) shared a story that demonstrates the way this modality complements the positive teaching approach our staff is using:

Jodina was in the UP Sanctuary when Mr. Robert, our art teacher, marched in with an angry 8th grade class. He announced that there would be no art class for them today as they were being disrespectful. They sat down and Jodina gave them a short talk. Then Mr. Robert asked what helpful things students had done in the face of this challenge. 8 or so students shared the way they tried to be helpful – then one of the boys who has been practicing meditation with Trish asked if they could be silent for awhile. And so they were – for 10 minutes! My scientific mind was all over this – these kids, with their traumatized autonomic nervous systems usually in full rev…sitting in silence for 10 minutes. Jodina even mouthed to Robert at one point, “how much longer?” When they opened their eyes, an amazing thing happened – one young woman raised her hand and said, “I would like to apologize to the class for what I said – it was disrespectful.” And then a young man raised his hand as he, too, owned his responsibility in this situation. The group was affirmed and off they went to their next class.

One of the 8th grade boys has said that he likes mindfulness so much because it is a chance to be quiet and think about what you are feeling. Music to my ears! In this noisy city with constant stimulation, silence is a rarity – and a gift of peace. It gives space to contemplate what is going on in the moment, in your life. Back at the leadership meeting, after hearing this story Bruce Main asked us – what if world leaders worked at developing a personal sense of peace? Imagine what might come of that.

Welcome Trish indeed!

On Being Significant

I was listening to John Lewis being interviewed (On Being, Krista Tippett, NPR) about his civil rights work on this MLK weekend – impressed by this 74 year old who is still able to speak of hope…even when discussing congress! I can only imagine what he envisioned as success when he was a 25 year old working with Martin Luther King, marching in Selma. And how much faith and hope he has had to muster for the past 50 years. There have been many successes since 1965 but the work is far from complete, and I am curious if it progressed the way Lewis thought it would.

These past couple of weeks have challenged my vision of success at UrbanPromise. A couple of the young women that I have been mentoring since the spring of 2012 have made choices that have damaged their health and put their lives at risk. Not what I thought would be the outcome of hearing a mother/nurse practitioner/loving voice speak into their lives for 3 years now! Perhaps the honeymoon is wearing off. Perhaps this is a continuation of my ‘on-boarding’, as one colleague said in response to my mourning. Perhaps, perhaps…

It’s funny. I’ve consistently – and rather glibly, I now realize – said that “I can’t fix them, I can only walk alongside them and empower them with knowledge.” But there is clearly a part of me that believes by speaking and modeling what I consider a successful lifestyle, I expect these young women to let go of their trauma-filled childhoods and make good choices. The rational part of my mind laughs at that sentence – all research points away from such a straightforward solution. But my heart yearns for them to see themselves the way I see them – as beautiful, whole and beloved children of God with just. so. much. potential. To simply wash their hands of their damaging pasts and walk forward, confident in their potential.

J. Herbert Nelson, a Credo colleague and friend of mine, speaks of how “We are not called to be successful. We are called to be significant.” I have been chewing on this one hard for the past few weeks. I do believe I am being significant in these young women’s lives. But I don’t know – I can’t know – I can’t expect that significance will lead to successful living. At least not in the way I imagine it all playing out.

And maybe that’s a good thing. Because thankfully, I am just an instrument of God’s plan for them, and experience has taught me that God thinks way bigger than I do. Already both of these young women have shown a level of resilience that I didn’t see coming: a re-alignment with values and priorities, sprinkled with statements of self-appreciation. Will it hold this time? That’s not for me to decide. But I will be there to walk alongside and to witness.